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Does someone else's schedule run your life? To be totally honest with you, the topic of today's post is something I still struggle with. I love helping other people succeed. And I love doing work that's meaningful. So sometimes, that means that I don't hold boundaries where they should be. I work long hours to finish a project instead of telling a coworker I don't have the bandwidth to help them. Or I take on something in my personal life because it seems important to someone else, and then watch as my stress levels predictably spike. It doesn't matter whether it's work or regular life- I find myself doing this again and again. And for a long time, I thought that caring about people equaled doing exactly what they wanted me to do, whenever I possibly could. Maybe you can relate. But I've realized something startling (at least, for me!): Not every situation requires self-sacrifice. Obviously, being willing to give up something you want to help someone else is a good thing- and you won't find me saying otherwise. But you don't need to meet every need other people bring to you. Here's the process I'm currently using to figure out whether or not I need to say no when someone asks me to do something- and how I do that while keeping the relationship intact! Let me know your thoughts- I'm curious to hear what you're learning! Step 1: Decide What You're Doing & When You're Doing It If you don't have a plan for your day, it's going to be easier for other people to schedule themselves into it. When I don't have a plan, it's easy to get pulled into other people's requests. But if know what I'm supposed to be doing at a given moment, it's easy to weigh my priorities and say, "Is this more important than what I'm working on?" For work, this means that at the beginning of the week, I make a plan for what I want to accomplish every day. I try to leave space for unexpected things to come up (because they always do!), but for any given day, I know what my most important tasks are and when I need to get them done. Then, if someone swings by my office or shoots me an email with a last-minute request, I know whether or not I can help them. Sometimes, I can- so I'll give them a realistic timeline based on what I'm doing that week. Other times, I have to politely decline. And every once in a while, their request is important and urgent enough that I rearrange my entire schedule for it. The point of this post isn't to share a foolproof system that will help us say "no" to every request. That's not who I want to be, and tbh it sounds a little toxic. (And boring!) It's about knowing what needs to be accomplished, and not letting the urgent get in the way of the truly important. Saying no still feels a little weird to me. I'm a team player at heart. Plus, I was scared that people would resent me if I didn't drop everything for them. But it turns out, most people understand why you can't help them if you're already busy. And if you're focused and keep delivering on the things you say you will do, they can't argue with your results. Step 2: Know What Kind of Life You Want to Live Setting your schedule before other people can is an amazing hack if you're working with something that's fairly structured- like in a job. But what about the rest of life? Most of the time, I'm fairly disciplined and organized about keeping our house clean, planning the menu & cooking dinner, and buying gifts for celebratory occasions with friends and family. But the rest of it? Not a clue. It's easy to let my emotions guide my decisions about how I spend my free time. In other words, my answer is going to vary wildly depending on when you ask me to do something for you. And that's not really fair to anyone- not the people that I care about, and not to myself. The fact is- sometimes, in order to become the type of person I want to become, I have to do things that I may not want to do. For example, I may not feel like going over to someone's house for dinner if they try to plan it on a day I'm feeling stressed, but if I care about the relationship and want to be a reliable friend, I should probably say yes anyway. At the same time, doing something just because it makes you uncomfortable isn't really a good way to live a joyful life. I don't want to fill my calendar up with things that I dread- to me, that sounds like a one-way ticket to AnxietyTown. So instead of being guided by what sounds fun, I prefer to be guided by pre-determined values. These are the questions I ask myself when I have to make a big commitment in my regular life: What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of life do I want to live? Will this situation help me get closer to either of those things? Do I really have time to commit to it? Sometimes, the answer is easy. Other times, I have to spend a lot of time thinking it through (or, more realistically, agonizing over it). However, the more I make these decisions and then carry them out, the more I'm going to notice patterns in what I'm learning. This brings me to step three. Step 3: Create personal rules that will help you create & enforce boundaries As you start to notice patterns in how you make decisions, you're probably going to notice some patterns. You'll see what works well for you, and what doesn't. For example, here are some of my current personal rules that help me set boundaries with myself and others: I do my most important tasks of the workday first. That means, if someone asks me if I have time to do something small, I do it after the big things are done (I'm a serial "productive" procrastinator so this rule is very important for me) I exercise after dinner. I know, I know- there are literally thousands of people (all of whom are better at fitness than me) who will tell you that first thing in the morning is the best time to exercise. Here's the problem- when I hold myself to that standard, I never exercise. So for now, I've decided that "exercise time" for me is after dinner at least three times a week. Since creating this rule I've been able to exercise more consistently, so I'd call that a win! I don't check my phone when I'm doing focused work. This applies to pretty much my whole workday, as well as times that I'm working on things like this blog. This rule is particularly hard for me to enforce most days (that vibration is so intriguing!), but when I follow it I see a huge difference. So when I'm struggling to keep it, I hand my phone to my husband and tell him not to give it to me unless someone who might really need me is calling (usually particular coworkers or family members). I work on this blog for at least two pre-scheduled hours every week. I've started blogs before, and none of them have lasted very long. I want this one to be different, which means I need to consistently make time to post. Basic, I know, but it's not something I've done before. I don't sit down to write something without knowing what I'm writing. My Google Drive has too many novels that I started, wrote a couple of chapters, and then abandoned. I know that's pretty normal if you're a writer, but I still feel bad about the fact that I didn't see them through. While I'm not trying to write novels right now, I know what's tripped me up in the past. If I'm going to consistently be able to create content that's helpful for other people: I need to have a plan. I always have time to listen to my husband if he has something to share. I originally wrote this as "I always have 5 minutes to listen to Andrew" but let's be honest- there have been plenty of days where I've had to say, "Can we talk about this later? Because I have a meeting right now." and that's totally fine. The key is that, when I do have to postpone a conversation, I make sure to return to it that same day. Andrew is the most important person in my life, so having the time and space to listen to him is a daily priority for me- and he'd say the same thing about me! Notice that at the top of this list, I wrote "current" rules. I'm the type of person who can be a little too inflexible when it comes to rules, so as I've created these I'm intentionally telling myself that they can (and in some cases, probably should) change over time. Hopefully, I won't always exercise exclusively after dinner. There may be times when I can just sit down with a blank sheet and start writing about anything that comes to mind without developing impostor syndrome- and I should probably try that sometime in the future. But for now, these are some guiding principles that are going to help me achieve the things I want to achieve and be the person I want to be. The flexibility also keeps me from feeling too "boxed in" by these rules. Boundaries, after all, are supposed to help the person setting them- so if I find they're not serving their intended purpose anymore, something needs to change. Step Four: Communicate from Clarity I'm guessing you already knew this step was coming when you saw the title of this post. But there's a reason it took a few steps to get here. Until you're clear on what you need to do and who you need to be, you're not going to be able to communicate effectively. But sometimes, you don't always have the time to work through all that self-discovery before you have to make a decision: do I say yes or no? The person is staring at you, waiting for a response. In that case, do the best that you can. You can always do a gut check and give them a quick answer. Or you can ask for more time to make the decision (if appropriate). You can pull out your planner or your calendar app and check to see if you have time. Or, mention that you need to talk to your partner before committing. Let them know you'll get them an answer by the end of the day. The point is, there are a lot of ways you can give yourself a little more time to get clarity on what you need to do, especially if it's a big ask. But, can I make a suggestion? If you feel like you have to make a decision immediately & you're really not sure what to say, sometimes getting a little more time doesn't help anything. If you're in the middle of a situation where it feels impossible to get clarity, try saying the opposite of what you normally would, just to see how it goes. If you'd normally say yes, try saying no. If you'd usually refuse, try saying yes. You might be surprised by what you discover! You might find you absolutely do not want to commit to anything like that ever again. That's fine. Or you might find freedom in having something off your plate. That's also good. If you're new to saying no sometimes, the point isn't to get it right every time. The point is learn more about when to say yes and when to say no, so that you can handle future situations with grace. Step 5: Don't Forget to be Kind Usually, other people's opinions drive my fear of saying no. I'm worried that if I don't do something they want, they'll like me less. So I tell myself that I need to be kind and just do what they want. But, is that really kindness? I used to think it was. Now, I'm not so sure. After all, if I'm doing something because I want people to like me more, my motivation isn't really to serve them, is it? So it turns out, it's probably kinder to do what's best for the relationship, long-term. In some cases, it's quite likely that it's kinder for me to set a boundary and say, "I can't do that for you, I'm sorry." in order to stop an unhealthy pattern or keep resentment from growing in my own heart. I don't want to be rude in my language- but that's not really the main concern, here, is it? Chances are, if I'm having a hard time saying no, it's not because I'm too kind. It's because I'm too scared of what it might mean for me, personally. This might not be the case for you- far be it from me to believe that everyone in the world is as selfish as I am. But if you're thinking about saying yes to something you feel, deep inside, that you should say no to- Then I need you to ask this question with me: "Is this really the kind thing to do in this situation? Or is it just the one that makes me most comfortable at this moment? Will it still be kind when this obligation comes due and I don't want to do it?" If it's not really the kind thing, figure out what is- and then communicate that with them, as gently as you can. They may not like it. But you'll have the peace of mind that you're doing the best thing for them in that situation- which is what kindness really is. Step 6: Be Grateful If you're struggling with how to say no to something that's well-intentioned, gratefulness is always a good idea. Start by thanking them. You can do this really simply: say "Thank you!" or acknowledge their thoughtfulness in another way. It's hard to seem harsh if you're genuinely thankful for an offer someone has made (even if it's one you have to refuse). Plus, gratefulness is crazy helpful for making you feel good about the person and situation- which will help diffuse any tension you might have! Scripts for Saying No Okay, so you've done the hard work of figuring out that you really do need to say no. If you need some ideas for ways to actually say it, here are some ideas! You may need to make them a little more or less formal, depending on the situation. General response: Thank you! Unfortunately, I can't. (At this point, you can choose whether or not to elaborate further. No is a complete sentence, so don't feel pressured to give them more details) When you wish you could say yes but have to say no: That's very kind! After checking my schedule for that week, I'm not going to be able to make it work. Please keep me in mind if you do it again! When it's a good opportunity but doesn't excite you: Thanks for thinking of me! I appreciate it, but I can't. If someone's being pushy: Sorry, I don't think I was clear: I can't [fill in what they're asking you to do]. If you'd prefer they don't ask you again: Thanks for thinking of me! That's not something I'm interested in, so I'm going to have to say no. Hope you find someone to help! If you want to convey compassion but still need to set a boundary: That sounds tough- I hope you know that I care about you and I'm rooting for you! However, I can't [fill in the blank with what they're asking you to do.] Instead, why don't I [fill in the blank with something that would be helpful and doesn't cross your boundaries]. Let me know if you use one of these, and how it goes!